| So let's see...summer 2009 & I still haven't made any progress with my life. Frickin awful. Yes, a lot of it is me being sick of having to always fight for what I want and risking failure, but when I do try to make certain advancements I still get kicked in the teeth.
Like today for example. Remember months ago when I mentioned VIP, the program where you can earn reduced or free therapy by doing volunteer work? I initially was going to call them in what, January, February? Of course, every time I thought about calling I'd figure out some excuse in my head for why it wasn't the right time or how it wouldn't work out. And the few times when I started dialing, I'd feel the beginnings of another panic attack sneak up on me. I finally emailed them this weekend (yeah, I know...), asking if they could work out evening counseling sessions because there's no way I'd be able to escape work for an hour during the day. The doctor in charge of the program emailed me back asking me to call so he could explain the program better, stating that my schedule shouldn't be a problem. This was good, no, great, news! But of course I still didn't get around to calling him back. He calls me today around noon and I duck out of the office for a bit so I can keep the conversation private. So I'm thinking that this is a fantastic start - if he actually took the time to seek me out and talk to me about the program, then he really does care and this program has a chance of working for me. However, then he started to explain a few things and I started to get disinterested real fast.
1. You cannot start sessions until you already have some volunteer work under your belt.
I understand this program is promoting community involvement and the therapists don't get paid so yes, they need you to keep your end of the bargain in order to help you. But I know that my issues are interfering with my daily life - I'm lucky that I get myself to function enough to drag my butt out of bed every morning & put in a decent amount of ability & diligence into my work (though not nearly as much as I should). But once the clock hits 5/5:30, I'm outta there as fast as I can to get home, where I basically zombie out and can't get myself to be productive at all. There's a chorus I used to sing with at work but I can't even get myself to attend that anymore. Some of the issues that I need to tackle most in therapy are my productivity, time management, motivation & self-pride. If I am struggling with these assets, then how on earth can I get myself to find a volunteer opportunity & act on it when I'm miserable from work & just want to go home and curl up in a ball?
2. Four hours volunteer work = one hour therapy.
Excuse me...what?! How the hell am I supposed to fit all of that into my schedule? That hardly sounds like a fair ratio to me. Of course, you can work something out with them, like working two volunteer hours and pay a small reduced fee to cover the rest. But still, kinda defeats the purposes of volunteer work as supplemental therapy.
3. Volunteer work cannot be religious-based.
Yeah...you heard right. I happened to mention that I used to volunteer through my church a lot and he goes, "Just wanna make sure you know - you can volunteer with your church if the volunteer work is something that's open to the entire community and not just your parish." I asked him about the youth conference I volunteer at every summer & he said that would not count since it is a religious conference. If I volunteer at a shelter, soup kitchen, etc. through my church, that's fine though. Grrr...why does this feel like MAJOR discrimination!?!
So yeah...I pretty much have given up on VIP now. Fuck them if they're gonna be like that. Guess I'll have to find something else.
So at work they're getting the paperwork processed to make me full-time with benefits. This should be good news - I'll finally have health insurance again after 1.5 years without. But I saw my salary offering - it is initially a slight raise, but once they take out the health insurance costs, I'll be making the same or less than I am now. More and more, I am finding that this place isn't worth it. I WANT OUT!!!
So I'm thinking of auditioning for American Idol again...of course they just announced it and the first auditions are next weekend in Boston. Can anyone say road trip!? Time to go freak out figuring out what the hell to sing.
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| Read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
Keep going until you've read each 'offense' and added up
your total fine. Title your bulletin 'My Bail is $........' You don't
have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
1) Smoked pot -- $10
2) Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --$50
3) Cheated on your significant other -- $10
4) Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
5) Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
6) Went streaking -- $5
7) Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
8) Kissed a co-worker-- $ 20
9) Kissed your boss --$50
10) Been arrested -- $5
11) Spent time in jail -- $15
12) Peed in the pool -- $0.50
13) Played spin the bottle -- $5
14) Done something you regret -- $20
15) Slept with your best friend -- $20
16) Been in love with a stripper -- $20
17) Went skinny dipping -- $5
18) Been slapped-- $5
19) Slapped someone-- $5
20) Beat up someone -- $20
21) Been jumped -- $10
22) Ever had sex at church -- $25
23) Dated someone you met on My Space -- $25
24) Cheated on test -- $50
25) Vandalized something -- $20
26) Slept with someone in your parents' bed -- $100
27) Crossed dressed -- $10
28) Given money to stripper -- $25
29) Flirted with an officer to get out of a ticket-- $30
30) Been a stripper -- $20
31) Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
32) Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
33) Ever drive drunk -- $20
34) Used toys while having sex -- $30
35) Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
36) Had sex in a pool -- $20
37) Masturbated -- $10
38) Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
39) Done oral -- $5
40) Got oral -- $5
41) Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
42) Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
43) Stole something -- $10
44) Slept with someone who has been in jail -- $25
45) Made a dirty home video -- $15
46) Plan on making a dirty home video in the near future --$30
47) Had a threesome -- $50
48) Had sex in a public place-- $20
49) Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
50) Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars --$20
51) Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
52) Kissed a teacher while you were still a student--$25
53) Lied to your significant other -- $5
54) Lied to someone about sex being good -- $25
We are all sinners...myself included. OK - your turn! | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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I know, I know...I forgot to do my stats for my second week of health tracking. But I wouldn't be surprised if every oz I lost the previous week and then some piled back onto my hideous frame. Even my boobs are fat. I will attempt to update again this coming weekend.
So last week, even though I lived the farthest away, I was the one who had to get the band posters printed & drive all the way to Groton to post them and try to hunt down booking managers. I guess that's what I get for being in a group with all guys. If they didn't play instruments, I swear they'd be useless. Sometimes I think they still are. I'm hanging posters at the second venue and they start tsking at me when I got close to posting signs on the windows. What!? You afraid I'll make your bar look tacky?! Newsflash! - bars usually do look somewhat tacky, or at least the ones we play at do. Then when I can't negotiate with anyone to save my life, I am trying to politely tell the guys in charge that they are idiots for not informing us they no longer hire out a soundman and had we not heard this news through the grapevine, we would have shown up this Friday with minimal gear & we all would have looked like royal idiots! Gah! J was able to talk to him today and at least we will now be compensated more per show - which is good since we will probably contract someone out to run our sound system so we won't really take a pay cut. But anyways, lately I feel like I've had to do everything. On the morning of the show, J emails me and says, "Oh, I need you to put together the set list" when all week the three guys have been fighting via 10 daily emails about which songs to add & cut. This took me about 3 hours to sort through and finally create a cohesive song order. Of course, at the show, J kept skipping around, deciding he couldn't play certain ones or that he had to play this one later since he didn't tune his other guitar for it. Yeah...thanks so much. I just got another email tonight asking that I organize this week's sets. I feel like I shouldn't even bother since it's just gonna get changed while we're playing anyway.
Saturday's show went OK...we were all 6 weeks out of practice so we flubbed in a couple places & my voice cracked in a few numbers. But this was our first show with our fill-in drummer (yes, we now have two so we can play out more) and he's pretty good. Anyhow, J & I went to breakfast as we often do, and I realized how frustrated I am with him and how uncomfortable I really am with our relationship. He was pestering me again about moving to Colorado when he does when I have no intention of relocating there. I would love to move out, but I can't move there, especially not with him. I can't believe he keeps asking me, well not so much asks as talks about the future of the band once we move there. Then of course when we are done eating, he wants to cuddle in the car again. I told him no at first...he asked me "Why not?" & I said I didn't feel like it. Truth is, I never do. I mean, it's not like we're making out or having sex, but it still feels wrong to me. Especially when he insists on kissing my neck - and not just like a little friendship peck, but real soft wet open-mouth grabbing-skin-with-lips kisses. I always turn away - I know that if I don't, he would actually kiss my lips as he's tried before. Why doesn't he get a clue!? He wonders why I won't hug him back and gets insulted. Well excuse me if I don't wanna be your mistress! I try to tell him in person but most of the time the words just echo in my head, unable to escape my lips. Even though he's constantly calling me and always insisting we go booking or drinking or whatnot, I still feel really lonely. I know that I've said before that I want to trade affection with someone, but not with him. Why me? He has a wonderful charming wife and their son is turning a year old this weekend. What the hell does he want with me?! I know I should tell him that I feel taken advantage of, but at the same time he's really the only friend I feel I have right now. He genuinely does care about what's happening in my life and hates to see me upset or angry. He knows when something's wrong and makes me tell him about it. But that doesn't mean I should continue to let him tear apart my insides. I'm afraid that if I tell him that I feel like I can't trust him, then my days playing out are over. But at the same time, I'm almost waiting for the band stuff to be over (which it will be when he transfers to a different naval base) - after our show this weekend, he's back on duty for the next month and I will have some peace and won't have to constantly scream his calls. The drawback is that when I get to sing and play out, it's the one thing I feel I'm really doing for me and that I actually care about and look forward to. Now especially I am suspicious that the other girl who used to be in our band had a similar relationship with him - but I think she reciprocated feelings & actions. Something he said about her once makes me pretty sure they even made out and/or slept together - BTW she's also married. God I can't take it! I knew he was a big flirt, but I really don't wanna believe that he's a womanizer. But you know what they say about sailors who go from port to port...
So besides waiting for the band to disband, I'm also waiting to get fired. Last week, we endured a pretty hopeless meeting. One of our guys was smart and is taking a different position at Corporate. Of course, we can't replace him. So we also know that three of our people that are splitting his responsibilities (as well as still completing their current duties) are also safe. The team leads are safe...it's the techs at the bottom of the food chain (aka me) that are in trouble. Our manager basically went down a list of "If you do this, then you are at risk. This is a choice you are making and you are choosing to put yourself at risk." As she fired them off one by one, I'm thinking "Shit. That's me. ... Yup, that's me too. ... I'm cleaning out my desk now to prepare." Then she went on to the list of "Here are some things you can do in order to better secure your future on this team." The basic summary was we have to suck up to people as much as possible by completing even more work in less time for no acknowledgement or compensation...and then ask for more. I wasn't dedicated to this job before - this makes me dread it even more and care about my so-called "team" even less. And in the two days I've worked so far this week, it has only gotten progressively worse. Monday I'm running around non-stop, actually putting in a full day's work since if I was ever at my desk for more than 2 minutes, I'd get an evil look. Apparently, I'm only working hard when I'm pushing PCs around. That's all they need me for so they can lounge in front of the Internet all day. I'll admit that there's been days when I end up taking a longer lunch than I mean to since I get distracted by my browser but I don't typically abuse it. Anyways, yesterday afternoon there's an email in our inboxes saying that everyone is to be done and have put their 8 hours in before 5p each day as that is when our office will be locked.
TO BE CONTINUED...fell asleep mid panic. Again. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Very minimal progress, but it's still progress all the less. Definitely gotta step it up this week with more exercise outside of work and doing my own healthy grocery shopping.
GOALS
Height: 5' 7.5" (round to 5' 8")
Healthy Weight: 120 - 160 lbs (120!? Yeah right!)
Personal Weight Goal: 145 lbs (weight I was as a high school athlete)
Healthy BMI: 18.5 - 24.9
STARTING STATS (Sunday 2/8)
Weight: 210 lbs
BMI: 31.9 (Obese range)
Body Fat: 46.1%
Muscle: 33.1% WEEK 1 STATS (Sunday 2/15)
Weight: 207.6 lbs
BMI: 31.6 (Obese range)
Body Fat: 45.8 %
Muscle: 34.1 %
EXERCISE TOTALS
Sun 2/8: 0
Mon 2/9: 30min biking, 2hrs walking (work)
Tues 2/10: 3hrs walking (work)
Wed 2/11: 2hrs walking (work)
Thurs 2/12: 1hr biking, 2hrs walking (work)
Fri 2/13: 1hr biking,30min walking (work)
Sat 2/14: 4 sets of 12 on Ab Lounge
DIET SLIP-UPS
Potato chips (mom bought some)
Cream cheese brownies (mom made some)
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Last night my dad bumped into the father of one of my brother's high school classmates & rec teammates when he stopped at the store and they got to chatting and catching up. So he gets home and is recounting the conversation to my mother and I - they were both bragging about their sons (Mike & my bro respectively). Nothing wrong with that I suppose.
I don't know why my father continued on to the next part of the conversation - did he not realize I was right there stirring the chicken on the stove so that he could have a piping hot dinner? But being the idiotic Italian he is, he keeps going anyway.
"So then he [Mike's father] goes, 'How's your daughter doing?' and I go, 'Umm...' "
"Oh no!" my mom interrupts.
"He goes, 'Is she done with school yet?' ...and I said 'She is now.' "
SHE IS NOW!? What the fuck does that mean!? I'll tell you what it means - he doesn't expect me to go back or to do anything successful with my life. I'm not sure who's more ashamed of me - my father or myself. All I know is the way he talks about me to others is so crushingly devastating. Way to make me feel like shit even more than I already do. You've been rubbing it in for so long but it still hasn't magically "motivated" me to suddenly apologize, transform into your dream daughter who can do anything and everything, and make you proud. Get a fucking clue already!
So with my eyes staring intently at the fry pan, I say "It's sooooo nice to know that my parents love me."
I was going to say "it's nice to know my parents are proud of me" - but then I'm not proud of me either.
My mother gave me a disapproving look, but I didn't care - you didn't exactly help either. In fact, 3 minutes later, you were recalling telling your friends that I "flunked out of college." And you say that you're my best friend - backstabber is more like it, bitch.
P.S. I still haven't called V.I.P about getting back into therapy. I'm. An. Idiot. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today at work, I spent more time having to put the bike chain back onto the gears than anything else. We have six bikes (actually they're trikes with a large basket and grapple hook on the back) for our group and I was using one of the two that are actually still in commission. My blue t-shirt is now black - and what really bums me out is that it was one of the few things in my closet that still fits me yet still makes me look somewhat feminine. I'm just really glad I didn't wear a dress shirt today. You can tell it's the end of the fiscal year since we're out of paper for the printers too. Someone scrounged up some yellow and purple paper so it looks like we're now endorsing the Lakers.
Lately, my mom's been expecting me to do certain things at home. I shouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I just get so mad when she's nagging me all the time. This weekend, for example - she wakes me up early in the morning because something's popped up on her computer screen and she doesn't know why. She's reading the darn thing word for word from the other room and I can barely hear her - so I have to actually get up, go over to where she is to look at and attempt to fix the problem. Of course, my father was already up but she couldn't ask him. Then she had to go to her mom's to dry laundry (our dryer's kaput and our new one hasn't been delivered yet) so she's all telling me that I have to cook my father dinner and what not. I know she feels it's her responsibility to take care of him, which is why he does pretty much nothing for himself at home - but it's not my problem. Although I'm not as independent as I could be in this part of my life, I am still a grown woman and have my own priorities and agenda. I am not going to put the rest of my life on hold because Mom needs me to do this and that - I have my own shit to worry about! The worst feeling though is this - and I don't think I could tell either of them ever: I especially can't take care of them because I can barely take care of myself.
I hate my fucking life. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I hate my fucking life. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| OK...have tried to do this in the past. But I really need to do this NOW. Two weeks ago I weighed in at 220 lbs...disgusting. At least I'm less than that now but I still just barely fall into the Obese BMI category. For the most part, I eat healthy now and drink lots of water, unlike I have in the past. I do have the occasional slip-up (like when my mom buys Wavy Lays...weakness!). So I have given her strict instructions that the only chips she is allowed to buy OCCASIONALLY are tortilla chips - they're a lot healthier. I have been so miserable about my body for so long. If I can conquer all this extra weight, I think I will be a lot happier and more confident. Plus, diabetes runs in my mom's family and that is the last thing I need to happen to me! I bought an Ab Lounge from someone on Craigslist for $20 (sweet deal!) so I'm gonna start using that. When I went to Curves they had one and I used it all the time - it gave an awesome burn and really minimized my middle bulk. But I didn't renew my membership since they're always closed by the time I get out of work and paying almost $40 for something I never used was a total joke. I liked going there, don't get me wrong - if they would just adjust their hours a bit, I probably would've stayed. That's what I get for living in a small town. Anyways, here are my stats...ewww.
GOALS
Height: 5' 7.5" (round to 5' 8")
Healthy Weight: 120 - 160 lbs (120!? Yeah right!)
Personal Weight Goal: 145 lbs (weight I was as a high school athlete)
Healthy BMI: 18.5 - 24.9
SUNDAY 2/8
Weight: 210 lbs
BMI: 31.9 (Obese range)
Body Fat: 46.1%
Muscle: 33.1%
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| Once again, I shouldn't be surprised. All the ambitions that I had and told myself I'd work on this week were just talk. What did I do today? Downloaded some more mp3s, watched TV shows from the past few weeks on the DVR, fought with my mom, and hid out in my room again doing pretty much nothing. I barely ate anything either - and what I ate wasn't the best food nutrition-wise. Yup...my life is just as fulfilling as I seem to make it.
So did I call VIP like I said I was going to? Of course not. Do I still want to? Mostly yes. Am I afraid to? Of course. I've been down this road so many times and each time I was determined to work harder so that things could get better. But each time seemed to just be a bigger letdown when it too failed and I was more confused and more depressed. With each attempt, I lost more confidence and hope. But I know I can never make a life for myself if I don't take a chance. Curling up in a ball and doing nothing isn't getting me anywhere and it actually has made things worse when I actually open my eyes to look. Lord, give me the courage to call for help so I can finally stop wasting away my potential. To whoever reads this...if I don't call VIP, you need to kick my ass or dunk my head in the sink so that I'll wake up and take action. K thanx.
I did have some good news over the past week or so though. We had an overtime project at work last weekend - so while I got no time to sleep or relax, I'll be getting an extra $400 with my next paycheck. YAY!
My knee/leg pain has pretty much gone away now too. However, my hands/wrists were starting to act up again earlier this week. Seems I have the horrible habit of falling asleep on my hands. At least I found a way to remedy that situation - I've been sleeping with the braces on so that I don't have to wear them during the day. I was taking some of my mom's naproxen for a few days, but made myself stop - I can't drain her supply cause she still needs it - her knee is still slowly recovering.
Speaking of my mom, she got a part-time job this week, a miracle considering the job market right now. The timing couldn't have been any better since her unemployment benefits were just about up, even with all the government extensions.
So to quote Joe Walsh..."I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So if all of my mental anguish wasn't enough, now I'm suffering from physical pain too. Awesome. Over the past month or so, I've been noticing that my legs always feel a bit tired and sore. I attributed it to being out of shape, but I do a lot of walking, biking, crawling, lifting and pushing at work so it's not like I'm inactive. Maybe overactive on the job if anything.
But last night, I couldn't sleep because my legs just couldn't get comfortable. Then this morning at the plant, I start biking here and there and everywhere in work. The pain starts dull at first, but I ignore it (because unlike men, I can actually put up with mild physical pain). After about an hour, however, there is excruciating pain radiating from just above my knee all the way down to my toes. It scares me a lot because it reminds me of the tendinitis pain I would get in my arms - back when I had to wear braces and my thumb would go numb and I couldn't even hold a pencil. I ended up limping quite a bit today, though I was careful not to let anyone else see. A few times, I had to lock myself in a bathroom stall just so I could cringe and let out a few silent screams.
Nothing OTC I've taken for it helps. I can't find the naproxen I had - I bet my mom threw it out, like she did the antidepressant samples I had saved up before my insurance ran out. Luckily, I kept the muscle relaxers stashed in my room & not the bathroom. I'm took one now because there's no way I'll be able to sleep tonight either in this much pain. No matter what I do - sit, stand, elevate, straighten, bend, stretch - this pain will not relent. What the hell am I supposed to do now? It's not even like I can buy health insurance like I was planning because according to my dad, I most likely will not have a job much longer. It's like slowly but surely there's nothing left to hope for or hold onto. Tell me why I shouldn't just give up now and save me some more undue pain. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| So I was looking online to see what CCSU had left for evening classes. Pretty much nothing that I could take - except accounting (ick!). All the courses left required prerequisites. That's what I get for waiting til the last minute. *kicks self...Stupid Allie*
Then I try calling VIP not too long ago - I was worried that the practice was no longer existing since the website hadn't been updated recently. I got a pre-recorded message like the website said I would so I took that as a good sign that they were still in operation. YAY! However, the main doctor came on the line (pre-recorded again) and stated that he was out of the office for a week starting this afternoon. I literally just missed him. Sooooo frustrating. I really didn't want to wait another week...but I suppose I've waited this long so I should be able to make it. I'm just really bummed that I took the day from work to take charge of some things and still feel like I got nothing accomplished.
Well, guess I'll focus my energies on doing some things here at home while everyone else is out. Of course, I might end up taking a drive to get out of here and untrap my head for a bit. Usually, I would do some therapeutic window shopping, but it's been a while since I've done that and I'm afraid that I actually will spend money that I don't have. Great...I really should stay here then. Feel free to distract me with a phone call - chances are you'll distract me from whatever activity distracted me from doing something constructive. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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That's right...you heard me. I know what you're thinking - I skipped enough obligations when I was at school, hence why I am no longer there. But allow me to explain. I was supposed to have jury duty tomorrow. The night before, you have to call & listen to this pre-recorded message & if your name is called you don't have to come. Well, they said my name - which luckily for me means that they can't summon me again for another year. And since I already told work I wasn't coming in tomorrow, I'm not. Sure, I could go and earn some more money at the expense of my health and sanity, but I have better things to do.
The game plan: I'm going over to Central Connecticut State and registering for a few classes. Yes, classes already started today and yes, I'm a nervous wreck. And since I never discussed changing my schedule with my bosses, I will probably have to take all night classes (or weekends but I'm not that crazy). But I have to go back - I need to be in that college environment again. I miss feeling engaged & learning about subjects that are actually interesting. There's still a lot of progress I need to make in order to be able to go back full-time successfully but I seem to do fine all of the semesters that I've been a part-time student. I just don't wanna be part-time forever because I'm impatient and feel that I'm so far behind and my time is running out. Granted, I'm not 40 or anything, but some days it feels like my life is already over. At least having a class or few will give me a little bit of definition and purpose again.
If I had the choice, I'd never go back to the plant. Of course, I may soon get my wish since Pratt laid off 150 more people today, meaning that CSC is even more likely to make cuts. Things just keep getting worse there - always more to do with less budget, less resources & less people. And to tell you the truth - the people are kinda creeping me out. One of the guys that works for the cleaning crew used to come by and talk with me & my co-worker Lou when we were in the office late. It was nice to have some people you could chat & laugh with since that's the only way you can really survive working there. He especially liked to talk to me because he's Latino so we spoke Spanish to each other and all. Well, I come into the office this morning and there's a note on my desk in Spanish from him.
"Hola. Como estas bien? Espero que me llames." (For those of you who don't speak Spanish, this translates to: "Hello. How are you? I hope you call me.")
So the reason this is a really creepy unwanted situation is not because the guy giving me his number is Latino or because he's a janitor. It's the fact that he's my parents' age. Seriously...why is it always me!? The only guys I attract are future priests, married or robbing the cradle (or a combination of these traits). Where are all the single 20-somethings? All the guys at work think this is hysterical and were teasing me all day, but I was trying my best not to cry. This is just NOT what I need right now.
OK...digressing away from the creepiness which has become my life as of late. I love the snow, but I'm so ready for spring. The winter blues has finally caught up to me. I'm lethargic, sneezing, always cold and as of the last few days, can't stop eating. And no, it's not related to my cycle because that already came and passed for this month. Around Christmas I was very irritable and the past few days I've just had so much anger in me about everything. Most of it gets taken out on my mother. I don't know what it was this weekend, but every little thing she said and did set me off like a bomb. A lot of what was going through my head was that I feel like I can't do anything I need to do to live my own life. So whenever she asked me to help her with something around the house, I felt like I was sacrificing what I should & could be doing just to please her needs. This morning, she was telling me what a bitch I am and how I need to do more for her & my dad since they don't make me pay rent. I snapped back, "Fine. Kick me out already." And I'm pretty sure I meant it. Many times, I want to say the same thing at work..."No one wants me here and I don't want to be here. If I were anybody else's daughter, you wouldn't put up with me so just fire me already." I believe that one of these days those words might actually come out of my mouth, hence why I don't say much at work anymore. My emotions are just haywire - I feel like I'm dying, eating myself up from the inside out.
I've been thinking & blogging a lot about going back to therapy. I know that there's no way I can make progress without doing at least that, if not more. And with me registering at Central, I should be eligible to go to the counseling center on campus. Of course, they probably only have sessions available on the weekdays while I'm in work and once classes end in May, I'm sure they stop sessions again until September. So if I had planned ahead far enough in advance and worked out a school/work part-time schedule, this would have been an option. Luckily, via a link from the CCSU counseling website, I may have found the solution I'd been looking for. Even when I had health insurance, it only covered 20 mental health sessions a year, and we were paying a high co-pay for those sessions. Now I know that someone with severe issues like me really needs to be seen once a week - maybe even twice to start? - which means I'd have to pay out of pocket no matter what to get the help I need. That is, until I found this awesome non-profit practice in West Hartford called "Volunteers In Pyschotherapy" or VIP (www.ctvip.org). Basically, you donate service hours to a charity of your choosing and those hours pay for some or all of your therapy. Why didn't I find these people a year or two ago!? I'm going to call them tomorrow to see if I can set something up. The mission is to promote trust within the private therapy sessions and social progress/healing through the community service. Since right now I'm pretty much absent from doing anything outside of work, home life (& the band), this will be a good way to force me back into the world and interacting with people. I just hope I can handle it.
Well, lots to do tomorrow. I better not blow off all these ambitions and show up at work instead - my life is so much more important. Wish me luck. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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So a lot of things are pissing me off lately. What else is new? Here what really pushed my buttons this weekend.
*INTERNET STALKERS
I'm trying to watch Prince Caspian with my mom this afternoon when I get a strange phone call from a very long phone #. I hear a voice speaking in a heavy accent and can barely understand a word he is saying. I thought at first it was Jeremiah calling me from a military number playing a joke on me, something he would totally do. After asking him to repeat himself about 10 times I finally figure out that he's surprised why I don't know who he is because "you are my friend on Facebook, remember?" I find out he added me about 2-3 weeks ago and he's written on my wall and commented on my photos (all of which are like 2 years old) but because I didn't write back he decided he needed call me. Umm...ok. I don't have my # posted on Facebook so I'm trying to figure out how he got it - and he mentioned the band. He must have got it from our website since I'm one of the booking contacts. Great...I'm talking to a stalker. He's asking me how my baby is because he saw a picture of me holding my cousin's newborn. Finally I ask him where he is calling from and he says "I'm usually in New York but right now I am in Pakistan." CLICK. OMFG. No way am I paying for that long distance call, buddy. Not even 5 minutes later, he sends me a message, saying "It was nice to talk to you, but phone got disconnected. Then I think that you were busy with Chasing Baxter as its weekend. Ok will cal you later." So I sent him a reply message, requesting that he not call me because I can't afford the long distance phone bill. Ugh...creepy. This is the second time I've had someone suddenly thinking that I am their best friend in real life just because they added me to an online network. Around Christmastime, some other Facebook guy was constantly texting me at all hours of the day & night, particularly the early early morning. God people! Get a life! I usually just accept people's friend requests because then that's more people I can get the word out about the band to. Well if this is the price I'm gonna pay, then fuck that.
Yup...this weekend was another worthless two days of me doing nothing. I keep telling myself that I'm gonna take the time to finally clean up/organize my stuff and take care of band stuff and do some yoga and work on finding classes and health insurance and finding a path to get my life going again, I ended up hanging out in my PJs watching movies. I'm so disgusted with myself and my lack of motivation. OK...time to turn in. I have to not only work Monday, but cover for about 3 other people since they're taking the day off. Yay. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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Wow…I haven't touched this thing since May. I've been reading my friends' lives, but unable or unwilling to contribute any entries about my own. Guess that makes me a creepy LJ stalker. So let's see…what's been going on in my world since I last updated? - I did go to Ohio for that Fransciscan Young Adults Conference in Steubenville (end of May). It was a nice little escape - way too short of a weekend, as weekends always are. The solo road trip there and back was great, minus the extreme cramping in my leg ("Is that what the cruise control is for!?!") and being stuck in Pittsburgh Friday night rush hour traffic next to a beheaded deer carcass. The music of course was great because it was Bob Rice!!!! Even though I had a pretty good time, I was still depressed and alone, even while I was there. Usually, I would get a bit of a "retreat high" that wears off after a couple of weeks but that didn't even happen this time around. Hmm… - I volunteered at Steubie East again like I had planned. Only after this year, I felt like I didn't belong there and don't even want to go back this summer (especially now that it will no longer a tent revival at the Shrine). One of my older friends from home who helps chaperone the large CT group tried desperately to get me to open up to him. Pretty sure that he is not a person I would really open up to though - he's in his 50s and really can border on the edge of creepy. After that weekend, I'm pretty sure I don't really wanna talk to him ever again…ewww. But anyways, he could tell that I was really lost and hurt and that I had pretty much shut down and gave up on everything, including my faith. He said something about how I needed to open up my heart before I hit rock bottom. I wanted to tell him "Too late - I'm already there" but instead said nothing. Besides, he kept freaking me out telling me some stories about him that I didn't really wanna hear. But yeah…I knew I was in trouble and that I wasn't really helping myself or anyone else at that conference, as much as I wanted to. So, that's why maybe I shouldn't do it this year. - OK, I'll admit this, even though I originally planned to never tell anyone. In August I drove to Jersey and waited all day and auditioned for American Idol. Yeah…I was THAT desperate. That was the most exhausting and worthless day ever. It doesn't really pan out like they make it appear on the show. I lined up outside with my mom at 5am, finally got inside around 9am (the doors had opened at 8am). At 10:30 when we were all seated in the stadium, they started having us cheer for the camera and sing songs together as a collective crowd. Then came the waiting and watching as tables were set up on the arena floor and section by section, people filed down to audition for the production team (the actual judges on the show aren't even there - the judges' auditions are taped separately the next day or two after weeding out the few they wanted for the show). I got really nervously nauseous at one point and all I could do was curl up in a ball and sleep away the anxiety - it didn't help that all the food they had available was basically deep fried and greasy. My section finally got to go down to the floor around 6pm - yes, that's right, PM. I thought I did well considering but I definitely picked the wrong song - didn't show off very much. But at the same time, it was really hard to figure out what they wanted. There were some divas we could hear from the crowd that were AMAZING - like 100 times better than me - and they still dismissed them with an emotionless wave of the hand. We all booed when that happened - which was a good 5-10 times while I was still in the building. When I get down there and my group of 4 is up, with me first. The girl who's judging us has the tenacity to wait until after I stepped up and was about to sing to go "Oh! I need to go to the ladies room. I'll be right back - don't move." 20 minutes later, she returns with a salad and says "Ok. Go." Yeah…awesome. But anyways, she goes "You're all good, but your voices aren't strong enough for this competition. Thanks." And yup…I insisted on driving as I bawled all the way back to CT, getting yelled at by I-95 toll booth workers in the process. Not so much because I didn't make it through (though I had thought I would have at least made it through the first round), but more because of the stupid people they did put through to boost the ratings. When they air the "New York" show, beware the puppet girl. And the blonde girl who basically shouted at the top of her lungs rather than sang (though they might actually think she's good - I think she sounds like an MT). And I believe there was a group of weird siblings who got through - 2 sisters and a brother with tacky homemade T-shirts. But what broke my heart the most was that I had seen American Idol as an opportunity to get me out of the rut in which I'm stuck, to escape the pathetic life I've made for myself thus far. And being rejected just further doomed me into having to accept this nightmare as reality. It should really be called fantasy TV. It's gonna be kinda weird watching it this season, but I still will/am. - Amidst the Idol fiasco, I was a contestant in a local music competition this summer called "Juke Box Hero" at the casino. It began back in June and I was one of 16 pre-selected contestants (via online audition). I made it through the quarterfinal and semifinal before American Idol. The finals were the week after I got back. And luckily, I somehow channeled all that disappointment and anger to win the entire thing! I really needed that confidence boost after such a big letdown. Even my bro had thought I would've made it onto Idol - and though he doesn't like to show emotion much towards his dumb older sister, he was happy for me when I won Juke Box Hero. Of course, he was suddenly my best friend because I won $2000 (that was the grand prize) and wanted to get a loan. Yeah right. The only thing I didn't like about Juke Box Hero - the radio station in charge of it was a classic rock station, which is awesome cuz I love classic rock, but they picked a horrible song list for us to choose from. Most of the contestants were female (3 of the final 4 were) yet the list only contained 3 songs by female artists. And yes, it was the same list of maybe 20 songs for the entire contest. So in round 1, pretty much every female contestant sang Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" so frankly I was very sick of it this summer. Much to my delight, it was also one of the songs that we were forced to sing over and over and over again for the camera at Idol. Round 2 I attempted Stephen Stills' "Love the One You're With," what I think was my best performance of the three rounds - I'm kicking myself too since I should have sang that for Idol. Round 3 was a re-working of Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" - since we were accompanied by a live acoustic guitarist throughout the competition, we had the ability to play with the songs a bit. He was great - and I had a lot of fun. So I guess that was some good news! - More along the lines of music, I must provide an update about the band. Yes, Chasing Baxter is still around and I'm still a part of it. Jeremiah and I were an acoustic duo for the first half of the year. Unfortunately, the Navy sent him to sea for most of the summer so I was pretty bored - but I had JBH at least to keep me a little pre-occupied. But before he left, we got ourselves a drummer and bassist so in September, we came back as a full band. Of course, our bassist told us on Christmas Eve that "I need to quit by April because of work - Merry Christmas!". We now have a new bassist and because J is off on duty again thru mid-February, I'm in charge of all the booking and such. I loooooove doing the website - it's a lot of fun now that I am more versed in FrontPage and html script and can actually fiddle around with it and format it how I want. Booking sucks though - especially since a lot of places are cutting back now because of the economy and are either no longer doing bands, will book bands but for pretty much no $$, or will have bands play for the door which doesn't really work out for us. Yes, it's a lot of fun to play out and all, but it's getting to be a bit frustrating when people quit and we have to stop playing out cuz of people's work schedules and venues give us shit when we try to book shows - and change their minds about how much they owe us when we're finished playing a good show. Time to get the contracts rolling again. I mean, I would love to perform for a living, but not like this. But the bar scene right now is the only way that I can incorporate this into my life so it'll have to do for now. I really wish we had more time to write our own songs - Jeremiah and I worked on one about a month ago that's almost finished. And yeah...we're close friends but our relationship is still a bit weird. If I was a different (less moral) person, my family would think that I was sleeping with him. Of course, they flipped out because we went to a bar together to do some booking and shoot some pool. The question I'm always asked is "Where is/was his wife?" and I'm sick of it. I'm not like that and people should know that I'm not like that. Yet, all I can do is turn away when he kisses me on the neck instead of speaking up and saying, "I'm not comfortable with this." He calls me three times a day and made me promise to email him daily while he's away. I've resolved to email him 1-2 times a week because I need a break from him. OK...that looks so much worse when taken out of my head and put into text. He's gone in September so hopefully things will play out the way they should. I'd hate to lose his friendship but I don't want to cause any more serious problems either. Stuck in the middle again - as always. - Work has had it's ups and downs, but overall it still sucks. Positive: I haven't been fired…yet. Negative: I'm still stuck there. But I've basically been told that I am ranked at the very bottom of the ranks so if there are job cuts, I'm fucked. The time I was accused of stealing computer monitors recently was especially fun (*rolling my eyes*)- even when the situation was straightened out, I never received an apology from my boss for the false claim. Instead, I pretty much get slammed for not working hard enough - it's true sometimes because I've kinda given up, but a lot of the time the management team doesn't realize how much grunt work we actually do. And the shop employees wonder why I get so mad when they say I have a "gravy" job (meaning I get paid to do nothing). More like I get paid nothing to do bloody everything just to get shit on and told that I'm lazy.
- I've been wanting to go back to college full-time, pretty much ever since I left. And I still think I want to be a music major - I do have other interests, but I really don't have the desire or the funds to completely start again from scratch. I do still love music and want to pursue it as a career. I'm getting a lot more pressure to go back to school now from my father because unless I am at least a part-time student, my bro gets no financial aid. Also, my dad is really concerned that we are indeed going to be cutting staff at work and made the point that if I am back in school, I will be considered a co-op and therefore exempt from layoffs. Right now, I'm more of an employee than a co-op - I'm on that dangerous fine line. The other day, he made a really good suggestion - take a couple of classes during the day so then I'm only working a couple days a week, therefore making me less miserable and helping to see if that's what I really want to do. But the truth is, I'm afraid. I've always been afraid. And as much as I tell myself that I can get through it this time, I know that I won't because I'm only saying it and not doing it. Nothing has changed, and I know that I can't succeed until I do. My parents don't understand that - they have too much on their minds right now and are just trying to get me back in the saddle ASAP so I can fix my life and get out of their hair. I'd like to think that I've grown up some more and made adjustments in my life over the past few years, but I truthfully haven't. Heck, two years and I still haven't cleaned my room. I may do parts of it one day when I'm feeling good and productive, but then I get bored or tired or frustrated and I can't finish what I've started. A few months ago, I got a packet from NET Ministries encouraging me to reapply to the program. But I know in my heart that this time around won't be any different than summer 2007 when I flew out to the interview because again, I haven't changed or matured. They would see exactly what they saw before. Therefore I am not cut out for that mission now, just as I wasn't then. Hence why I haven't even bothered to start an application.
I think I've been looking at my situation the wrong way. As I've said many times before, I do feel that returning to therapy would do me some great good. However, I think I need to define with my bad habits and discover how to change these factors that I can control. Most of the time, I thought that I was supposed to analyze and diagnose where this extreme inner pain is coming from and when I finally had an explanation, it would magically disappear. Or more realistically, once I had an explanation, my doctor and I would then be able to find a way for me to cope with it so I could go on with my life. But in the process of doing so, I'm just wasting more time and attracting more hurts that need to be scrutinized, creating a never-ending cycle of suffering and confusion. I will spend all of my time chasing down what went wrong in my life and pondering on how things would have been different if everything was sunshine and butterflies. I need to get help in changing my actions, thoughts, and goals so that I can prevent the behaviors embedded in my personality today that keep causing these issues. I feel it's a case of "Allie, if you don't change, you will die this way."
OK..it took me 6 hours to release this all from the constrains of my brain. You know that my mind is twisted and disheveled when I can't even write a simple journal entry. Time to sleep and continue the dreaded cycle until I can get some health insurance and call a therapist. Tomorrow morning will be the same as every morning - when the alarm sounds and that beautiful dream is chased away, my heart will sink as I say to myself "This nightmare can't be my life" and I throw the covers back over my head, hoping to recapture that unconscious hope that I wish could become my reality.
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Jesus,
Help me to pray regularly. Kick my butt out of bed when I don't have the drive to go to Mass. Send me to adoration at least once a month - as well as confession. I need to take responsibility for our relationship - You've upheld Your part, but I've let mine slip away. Don't let me turn away - I don't want to turn away. I want to be with You, Lord. Help me to offer up my suffering to You - it's difficult for me to let go. Give me the courage to reconcile with my family - right now, they are the second closest support I have, You being the first. Lord, understand that this is my commitment and I can't change this without Your permission. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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House season finale was last night. The last scene with House & Amber really struck a chord in me - captured exactly how I feel about life a lot of the time. THIS is the part of the episode that broke my heart and made me cry...though the other larger events of the episode were also very depressing and tear-jerking for many viewers. I'm just like House.
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House "awakens" to find himself on the bus again, but this time it is bathed in a warm glow of white light. He looks around for a moment to take in his surroundings and sees he's sitting in one of the seats, and next to him is Amber.
HOUSE: You're dead.
AMBER: Everybody dies.
HOUSE: Am I dead?
She pauses, turns to give him a smug look, trying to read his face. Seeing that he's seriously asking, she slowly faces front again before answering.
AMBER: Not yet.
HOUSE: I should be.
AMBER: Why?
HOUSE: 'Cause life shouldn't be random. Drug addicts should die in bus crashes. The young do-gooders in love who get dragged from their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
AMBER: Self-pity isn't like you.
HOUSE: ...I'm branching out from self-loathing to self-destruction. (pauses) Wilson is gonna hate me.
AMBER: You kind of deserve it.
(At first, House just stares at her in shock of her statement. But he knows it to be true and hangs his head.
HOUSE: He's my best friend.
AMBER: I know.
(They sit for a few moments in silence, looking straight ahead to the front before Amber turns back towards House and whispers.)
AMBER: (whispers) What now?
HOUSE: I stay here with you.
AMBER: Get off the bus.
HOUSE: I can't.
AMBER: Why not?
HOUSE: (He looks away) Because...*sigh*...because it doesn't hurt here. I'm not in...I don't wanna be in pain, I don't wanna be...miserable. (pause) And I don't want him to hate me.
AMBER: Well, you can't always get what you want.
House turns back to face her, his eyes sad and wide. She raises her eyebrows as if to say "Well!?" He sits a bit longer and without looking back, stands up and walks without the slightest hint of a limp to the front of the bus and gets off.
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| The other day I registered for the Steubie Young Adult Conference in Ohio May 30-June 1. I already told work I'm not gonna be there that Friday and will be telling my parents this week that I am going - I am driving there Friday and driving back Sunday - and that anything they say or do will not change that. I freaking need this - heck I really need like a week or two of vacation, but this is at least something. I've just been way too down lately and there's no way I'll be a good volunteer at the high school Steubie East conferences unless I have my own retreat just for me first.
There's a project management job open with CSC that my dad wants me to apply for. I was reading through the requirements tonight and am not sure I'm really cut out for the job, at which my dad got pissed saying that I'm making excuses and don't want to work for anything. I don't think he really understands how miserable I am at CSC - either that or he wants me to be miserable because that's how he was when he dropped out of school and had to work his way back up to the top. I mean, this position would be a lot better than my current slave job slugging computers around and diving under desks tangled in cables all day. It's a desk job at the nice office building instead of the Pratt plant, is full-time with benefits which I desperately need. But the thing is I really don't like this field of work at all. My heart still yearns to do something that's actually fulfilling and meaningful - this is still dealing with computer stuff, just at a higher, non "hands-on" level. What I really wanna do is just stay a co-op through the summer to earn summore big cash, then get an apartment in the Middletown area and support myself with a part-time job while attending Holy Apostles full-time. It's just I'm not proud of who I am right now and I don't think my parents would be completely proud of the person I want to be. I mean, they're not very proud of me right now either, but I'm sure that I'll never be good enough - at least not for my father. He just wants me to be making lots of money because that's how he measures success. He got so mad at me saying that I was lucky that my attitude at my current position is being tolerated. I get to work later than I should, I don't exactly dress professionally (but then again whenever I wear nice clothes they get ruined from the shop floor grime and the dust), and many times I can't meet their expectations (but a lot of that's because their expectations are way too high with our shortage of manpower - though some of it is me getting frustrated with the job and being a bit unmotivated). It almost makes me feel like that the only reason I'm still employed there is because of my dad - and if that's the case, I wish they would just be fair about it and just fire me already. Of course, that would really help me in getting another job *eye roll*. Anyways, I will at least apply - but I'm desperately looking and praying for another opportunity away from this company. I'm not making any promises that I'll take the position if I'm offered it because this is a major step in terms of which direction my life will be going. In fact, this could be something that I could grow in and stay with the company permanently, which I don't want to do.
Lately, I keep having this thought creeping into the back of my head again...American Idol. My family, co-workers, people who know me from the band really think I should go for it - and part of me wants to. My mom even had a dream the other night that I auditioned and made it - creepy huh? And no, I'm not considering this solely because my mother had a dream. The past few years as I've been watching the show more regularly, I can see myself on that stage and am even picking out songs I would have chosen for that particular week's theme or critiquing the performances and evaluating how I could've done it better (sometimes). Yet I'm scared and unsure if that's really the best way to pursue my dream of music. I have no doubt I would at least make it past the first audition to get to Hollywood week - after that though, who knows. But do I really want to expose myself on a reality TV competition? It seems so mind-boggling. That and there was this special on tonight: The 10 Messiest Celebrity Meltdowns. Even when I dreamed of being a pop diva as a little girl, I was worried about the celebrity lifestyle and being driven into addictions and erratic behavior. Heck, I'm 22 and I've had a couple of breakdowns already just trying to live a normal life. Would I really survive in that world?! I dunno - I might be happier since I'd be doing what I love, so that's a risk I'd have to weigh. The show actually had the #1 messiest meltdown as Hollywood itself because it's definitely not what it was 50 years ago. Most celebrities aren't famous so much for their talents anymore as they are for what kind of scandals they're involved in. It's just sad and pathetic. But just because I audition doesn't mean I'll make it and if I do, it doesn't mean I'll be famous. Maybe I'm making too much out of this whole thing. But I do think my reasoning does have some justification and merit here.
Speaking of performing and such, for a while Chasing Baxter has been the only thing keeping me going, my one outlet and source of happiness for the time being. But now I feel like even that has changed. I mean, at first, just Jeremiah and me was awesome and our last gig sounded great - as I'm sure will our upcoming gig Thursday night in Mystic. However, things have happened and I really don't know how to handle them and it's just made this relationship very awkward. This past week all I could think was "I need to quit the band" and right now I'm trying to put every ounce of energy into a way to make this work out. Jeremiah is going out to sea for the month of July and we have a few more gigs before then so I guess there is time to sort things out. I just hope that for once in my life I'll do the right thing and actually be the one to bring up the issue and talk it out instead of waiting for the other party to bring it up for me so I won't embarass myself. And if I do need to quit the band, Lord give me the courage to do so and the strength to be honest about my reasons for doing so. Oh, the drama of musicians - and life in general. I just wish for once it would all just disappear. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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So I couldn't sleep last night - was up past 3am again. Which meant that I was a total bear this morning. Got to work really REALLY late and was extremely surprised that no one tried to fire me for not making it on time to a huge 9am move. When I finally finished and got back to my desk around 2pm, I get tons of emails, phone calls & visits at my desk as to "How come this isn't done yet? Make time for it in your schedule." And that's when I remember why they won't fire me - so they can push me around and pile everything on top of me. I'm sorry people, but I'm not Wonder Woman - the only thing we have in common is bra size. And being well-endowed doesn't help when I have to lift large, heavy equipment all the time, if you catch my drift. If I could fly, then it'd be so much easier.
Anyways, I almost forgot that my outline wasn't finished for Ethics and ended up quickly typing it up at the end of the day before class. Of course, I ended up being late again - I'm supposed to get out of work by 5:30 the latest but I didn't even leave the parking lot tonight til 6:30, which was when my class starts! So I get there 20 minutes later and luckily, I was only one presentation late - though the door and my chair made obscenely loud noises during the middle of Br. Michael's presentation - I was so embarassed. At one point I was considering skipping out since I was so late, but I forced myself to not fall back into that vicious pattern again. Anyways, I gave my presentation using the blackboard and it only took like 5 minutes (it had to be under 9 so I was good on that end). I'm sure I could've done better, but during break all the brothers thought it was great. Fr. Legault even asked me if I was a teacher - made me proud, but a little sad at the same time. I said "I pretend to be" which is kinda an odd answer. But whatev. I was nervous I wasn't going to do well but it looks like I ended up doing a good job. And it turns out now that I only have two more weeks of this class - we got our essay questions tonight that we need to hand in by the 16th and we're just getting a "short quiz" that night and that's it. Wow.
Today's Uplifting Quote is brought to you by Celestial Seasonings Herbal Peppermint Tea. Yes, that's right. Apparently, the little papers on the end of the tea bag strings are now being adorned with poetic passages. Brother Joshua was joking with a couple of the others during break tonight about one of their buddies getting tea one time and saying "Oh, JFK. Great president." I didn't understand why it was so funny until ten minutes into more class presentations when I spied the writing on my tea bag. I had to bite my lip to keep from rudely interrupting another presentation with laughter. The quote isn't funny though - it's actually quite cheery I suppose. And no, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm supposed to go salsa dancing on Friday...right?
Uplifting Quote of the Day: Wednesday, April 2, 2008
"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined." -Mark Twain
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So there's no way I can go to Sydney for World Youth Day in July like I was planning. Operation SydWYD is a bust. I'm thinking that it won't cost me a lot of money to go as a volunteer since all I have to pay for is my flight - they would cover my accommodations & meals. So I was searching on the Web today to get an idea of pricing. The average cost of a round-trip from the East Coast, USA to Sydney, Australia is $4,000!!! The lowest fare I've found so far is around $2,500, which is more than I make in a month (and I'll admit that I get a half-decent paycheck for someone that doesn't have a degree). If I'm gonna shell out that much dough for transportation, then I'm not going as a volunteer - I'll pay the extra $400 to be a participating pilgrim!!! But either way, I just don't think I can spend that kind of money right now. Poo. Will I ever get to see the Pope now? Who knows. I'm hoping WYD 2011 won't be over so many oceans - stupid international airfare.
Good news - this means I can actually volunteer at Steubie East now, which means I'll have to contact them and get my CORI forms in. But before I do my volunteering, I need a retreat that's actually for me instead of trying to live vicariously through this one and pretending I'm 14 again. So I'm thinking that this year I'm gonna take the road trip out to FUS for the Young Adult Conference end of May - yes, the same one I paid for last year but never ended up going to. The best part is that it's gonna be funded by George W. Bush, thanks to the $300 tax stipends he's handing out to everyone. Maybe I'll take a whole week off (I think I deserve that much!) and visit some places on the way to Ohio during the week. Of course, I'm gonna need a wingman cuz road trips are awesome, but they're more awesome with a buddy or four. Well, not four cuz I only have four seatbelts. I'm trying to get a certain someone to join me, though she might be taking off herself this summer. We could go kidnap our future husbands from Fort Zion!!! *wink*
Alright, I wanna vent about a few more things but they'll have to wait since I kinda need to finish my outline for my Ethics presentation tomorrow. But don't let me forget the "Uplifting Quote of the Day." Today's inspiration isn't from the Confidence Box, but from the Good Book. Wow...I just called the Bible that and I'm not even from Georgia. Weird. Anyhow, I stumbled upon it in class tonight as we examined Chapter 15 of the Gospel of John, where Jesus was preparing the disciples for His passion and the hardships to come immediately following. This one goes out to anyone who feels persecuted or stomped on or rejected or just down right low.
Uplifting Quote of the Day: Tuesday, April 1, 2008
"If the world hates you, realize that it hated Me first. If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you." -Jesus to the Apostles, NAB Jn 15:18-19
If the world hates you, realize that it hated Me first.
Amen to that, Jesus. I feel Your pain to some degree, except for the whole crucifixion ordeal.
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OK...so this one I'm not throwing away the little paper to - EVER. It's going in my wallet with my Yellow Ribbon card & medal of St. Dymphna, martyr & patron saint of mental illness. Definitely me in a nutshell.
"I have spent all my life stringing and unstringing my instrument but have not yet sung the song I came to sing."
Dammit - I really can't give up now, can I? As much as I really want to. Time to cry myself to sleep now. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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Uplifting Quote of the Day: Sunday, March 30, 2008
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"Dream of Beautiful Pictures, Live a Beautiful Life."
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inches from breakdown